Epilogue: We All Survived

 

Hello, dear reader. Here I am popping back up to write one final blog post, more than three years after my last entry. I kept thinking that inspiration would strike and I'd keep writing here sporadically about things that inspired or moved me, but I didn't.

And now here I am, one week away from having an empty nest.

Yes, that's right - by this time next week, the last of my babies will be out in the world, standing on their own two feet, living their lives and pursuing their dreams. The youngest is heading to Wellington to study. My girl went flatting last year, and my eldest left home ages ago. So this is it - I'm closing the book on my parenting journey. I'll always be a mum, and have my door open and food or beds or help ready whenever it's needed, but my day-to-day job as a hands-on parent is done. 

So I thought you deserved an epilogue. 

Not just so I can boast a bit as a proud mum, but also because it got pretty gnarly there for a while, so I wanted to leave you with some hope that if we can survive, anyone can. 

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When Christmas is Hard (Facing the Season after Loss)

Christmas was always my favourite time of the year – until I found myself facing Christmas as a sole parent in 2016.

Five years on, I can look back from a new perspective where the grief has healed and the loss no longer stings. We have settled in to our new normal, and can reminisce about our awesome Christmases as a “whole family” without an ache.

But I remember that first Christmas and my heart goes out to those of you who are facing your own first Christmas after a devastating loss.

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It turns out - I'm not over...

Today has been a super-emotional day. 

Maybe it's partly the Level Four lockdown we find ourselves back in, all of a sudden. Maybe it's the weird limbo of waiting for my Covid test results to come back. Maybe it's being stuck at home with three teenagers and two dogs, unable to leave the house until we get those test results. Maybe it's years of walking with my kids as they face down their giants, and the way lockdown threatens to derail all the hard-won progress, wrought through literal blood, sweat and tears. 

Probably it's a mix of everything, but this morning, all of a sudden I just couldn't.

This post is not about that. But that's the background to this feeling I have right now, this incredible gratitude, a fragile tenderness where tears are just below the surface.

Gratitude because - it turns out -  I'm not over.

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The Oxygen Mask Principle

In the past few weeks, I have written multiple stories in my head. So many thoughts, issues, feelings and words needing to be expressed, but where to start? What to focus on?
I just didn't know where to begin.
But today I sat down, opened up my laptop and began to write, without a clear direction, just needing to satisfy this urge to write, while it is upon me.

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"Stop the World, I want to Get Off!" she said...

I don't know how many times I must have said this out loud, to myself or in my head.
Stop the World. I want to Get Off.

Life was too fast. It came at me from all directions and I could never, ever catch my breath.
Since becoming a sole-parent nearly four years ago and re-entering the paid workforce, life has been faster than ever.

Endless days of driving kids from place to place, juggling chores and work and parenting.
I once totalled up the amount of time I spent in my car each week during winter sport season and it came out to more than 20 hours. That's half a full-time job, just on driving.
No wonder I wanted it all to stop.

How many times did I say to my kids, "ONE DAY! JUST ONE DAY is all I want. ONE DAY where I don't have to drive ANYWHERE..."

Well, I got my wish, didn't I?

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After 17 Years as a Mum Here's What I've Learned

[Image Credit]

My eldest boy turned 17 the other day, which is crazy because it feels like only yesterday that I began blogging when he was five.
Oh my word, what a journey we've had, what a rollercoaster ride. With one short year of schooling left, my 6-foot-tall manchild is almost ready to take on the world. I'm caught between shock and awe - shock at how fast it's all gone and awe that we have made it this far.

Let me share some of the things I've learned - the hard way of course - in the last few years of parenting. I hope to shed some light and sprinkle some hope for those of you just entering the teenage years, to encourage you that if we can survive, anyone can...

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From the Ashes

It has been nearly three years since I left my marriage. It was the most difficult decision I have ever made, and one with the highest cost I’ve ever had to pay. It was ‘Hobson’s Choice’ you might say – the choice you have when there is really no other choice. When my marriage ended it wasn’t from lack of trying – we’d been in counselling since 2012, after all. But when all avenues have been tried and the pain being caused to all parties is greater than the benefit of staying, well, at some point you have to call ‘time’.

No-one walks away from a marriage lightly. No-one launches a grenade into their family on a whim; but still, I had no idea at the time just exactly what the price would be for that decision, though all things considered it was still the only decision that could have been made.

With the decision to walk away came Death of the Dream.

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A Merry Heart Does You Good (like medicine)

If you've been around this blog for any length of time you'll know that in our family we've always loved to celebrate for any excuse – and sometimes for no reason.

We loved having friends over, spending time with special people enjoying an occasion together. Whether it was a Light Party, a Birthday Party, an Easter dinner or one of our famous "Parties for No Reason", we sure did love to host a gathering.
We never spent loads of money, we never parted with cash for glitzy entertainers or fancy catering.
We liked our birthday cakes a bit wobbly and homemade-looking.
We got a kick out of thinking up decorations, games and food that we could adapt and make.

More than anything, we really got a thrill out of creating an atmosphere for our friends to come and enjoy.

Even the planning was part of the fun.
As the kids got older they came up with their own great ideas for games and decorating.

Celebrating each other was a way of showing appreciation and letting each family member know that they were valued and special.
So what happened when we changed to a sole-parent family on a tight budget?

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One Foot in Front of the Other

Right about now I'm wishing I had some Easter inspiration to share with you. Wise words or bright ideas, either one would do.
One of those posts from days-gone-by popped up in my Facebook "memories" the other day. I read it and sighed... a deep soul-weary sigh.

Breath in, breath out, I tell myself. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Just one more trip to football training in rush hour traffic, one more early morning drop-off to the train, one more night of worrying about bedtimes and lunchboxes and clean uniforms.
Just one more day and it's school holidays. A chance to catch our breath and pause for a few days.
Man, this tiredness is bone-deep.

By body rebelled on the weekend and I kind of crashed. Had to pull the plug on all the plans, hunker down and conserve energy, go nowhere (a fair amount of takeaways may have been consumed).

I think it was the endless going-and-going without a break for so long; holding it together for everyone, keeping all the balls and plates in the air and spinning. Sole parenting is not for the faint-hearted.
Me myself, I'll admit it - I'm knackered.

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Pearls

This post is the result of a conversation I had in the car with Scrag this morning - a deep and meaningful discussion about the meaning of life (the kind of talks I often find myself having with my eight-year-old. It's how we roll).
There we are driving along in traffic, rushing, on the cusp of lateness as always, and he says, "Mum do you think there's a plan for everything? Is there a point to it?"

See what I mean? Deep. This kid is DEEP.
I know where he's coming from, what he is trying to get at.
With all the crappy things that happen, is there a reason or plan behind it? Is there a reason why we go through stuff?

Here's how I answered him...

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When it feels like the World is Falling Apart...

I'm almost scared to check my news feed these days - what new soul-clenching, stomach churning madness has occurred while I was sleeping?
You probably know the feeling.
I have this urge to write, to vent, and get all the *grrrrr* off my chest, but do we really need another post like that cluttering up the interwebs? Another "this world is going to hell in a handbasket" opinion piece? I doubt it.

Sigh.
Chin up, I tell myself. This too shall pass.

I've been sitting here at the bottom of the world watching the madness unfold, feeling shocked and sickened as the fundamentalist American Church aligns itself with the most reprehensible human being we've had on the world stage in a long time. Their endorsement of him is doing irreparable harm to the name of Christ (who I love and try to follow). Making excuses for his inexcusable behaviour is painting the rest of the followers of Jesus with an awful tarnished brush. What they call Christianity, and Christian values has nothing to do with Jesus.

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Camping Solo: A Summer Adventure

There was a time not so very long ago when I stared at the blank canvas of the summer holidays and worried how on earth I would fill it for my kids this year - me, a mum on her own.
I prayed for miracles, a way to go on holiday, provision - and lo and behold, miracles happened. Somehow dollars stretched and opportunities opened up, and here we are, in the middle of a very busy un-boring summer, where the kids have had a ball and I've learned, once again, that I CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Hard things like facing New Years Eve without a party (gulp), but still managing to toast marshmallows and let off fireworks. Like driving for eight-hours-straight with a car full of kids and a dog to visit family down-country (sustained by $1 frozen McD's drinks). And like squeezing all our camping gear into the car, setting up a tent with not a bloke in sight, camping for a week and then packing it all down again and squishing it all back in the car, with only the kids to help.

This summer has been like an endurance test - a test of my mettle. Especially THE CAMPING.
I wouldn't say it was the most fun, relaxing camping trip we've ever been on but I did it. WE did it.

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Good Riddance 2016 (but Thanks for not Killing Me)

Today is the last day of this bloody awful year. It has been without a doubt the hardest year of my life - yet strangely it hasn't actually been the worst year. 

Why? Because I'm finishing the year a stronger person than I began it.

My faith in God has been tested, and strengthened, because He has not failed me yet.

I've lost friends along the way, but discovered others whose worth is pure gold. 

I've had to learn to fill the roles of both mum and dad - and have since realised how incredible single mums are.

There are so many of us out there, doing the hard yards, unseen and alone, but rocking parenting in spite of the endless challenges - in spite of incredibly tight budgets, the (unfair and untrue) judgments of others and the sheer relentlessness of doing life on our own. 

I am in awe of the strength of women, and single mums in particular.

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Surviving (and enjoying) Christmas

How are things in the Christmas trenches where you are? How's that to-do list? Got an Elf infestation? An Advent Calendar mental block? Feeling like a Grinch?

I'm just writing in solidarity to say, I feel ya. Hang in there. This too shall pass.

December 26th will dawn and we will have made it through another Christmas - hopefully without too many additional grey hairs.

This is me and the kids' first Christmas on our own, and I have been fairly dreading it. We put up the Christmas tree on December 1st as usual, because the kids wanted to - they were excited that it was nearly Christmas. Me? not so much.
I strung up lights and garlands, hung decorations and Christmas wreaths with a rock lodged in my chest - going through the motions for them. The morning we were due to have our gingerbread house decorating "party" I sat on my windowseat with a few tears leaking - this Christmas season was not feeling OK at all. The first Christmas is the hardest, they reckon.

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Taking Stock (cos that's what i do when i've got writers block)

I really thought that when I got the giant boulder-sized "elephant in the room" blog post out of the way, my writer's wellspring would unblock and the stories would flow once more. I guess I was wrong about that.

Sometimes there's just so much going on that the thought of finding a way to write it all down in a manner which is honest, heartfelt, but lighthearted - yet also manages to avoid upsetting half the people in my life - well, it's just too exhausting. Consequently, I still seem to have a rather insidious case of writers block.

But I can't go wrong with a list, right? A summary of recent happenings and photos from the past few weeks? It's either that or I blurt out my angst about the upcoming Silly Season and how much I'm dreading it with a capital D. That could be awkward.

So here goes with some taking stock instead. The last few weeks I've been...

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Twists & Turns on the Rollercoaster

Ahhh Life. We never know what it'll throw at us.

I read a guest post on Ann Voscamp's blog the other day which really resonated with me, called "When you're living a life you didn't choose". That happens sometimes - we end up in a life that wasn't what we hoped/dreamed/planned.
We have a dream for the life we want to live, and then it isn't.
Life throws us a curveball. There's an unexpected twist in the rollercoaster. And oh help, here we go again on another not-so-great-fun adventure.

Right now you could say that I'm living a life I didn't choose - in so far as I never in my wildest dreams (or nightmares) would have imagined that my marriage would end after 15 years of trying.
But, yep, there it is.
I've been separated and sole-parenting for over three months now.
That's the twist my life's rollercoaster has taken me on.

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