Youth Mental Health Crisis - A Parent's Survival Guide

It has long been known that New Zealand has the worst youth suicide rate of all 41 OECD nations - here in Godzone our young people are struggling. The pandemic surely made things worse - isolation, disruption to lives, friendships, sports, and the added pressure of trying to learn online heaped extra weight on our kids. So many young people are battling with hopelessness, overwhelm, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, depression and major anxiety. 

Having a child who is struggling with their mental health, watching your precious kid in intense emotional and mental pain is surely one of the worst things a parent can go through. Knowing how to respond, how to help and support them through it can be a confusing and lonely struggle. (Sadly, there is still so much stigma around mental illness, and it can be hard to reach out for help).

I am writing this from the trenches, for fellow parents of young people who are struggling. For the past four years, this has been my battle too. And now finally, I can see clear water ahead, and feel like I can share what I've learned.

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The times they are a-changin'

It is 2020, the year the world went to hell in a handbasket. The year of Covid and lockdowns and wildfires and crazy elections. The whole world is reeling with the pace of change.

And not to be left out, here in my little corner of the world, we are also facing massive changes and the end of an era. 

You see folks, my eldest manchild, the one who made me a mother, turns 18 next month.

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After 17 Years as a Mum Here's What I've Learned

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My eldest boy turned 17 the other day, which is crazy because it feels like only yesterday that I began blogging when he was five.
Oh my word, what a journey we've had, what a rollercoaster ride. With one short year of schooling left, my 6-foot-tall manchild is almost ready to take on the world. I'm caught between shock and awe - shock at how fast it's all gone and awe that we have made it this far.

Let me share some of the things I've learned - the hard way of course - in the last few years of parenting. I hope to shed some light and sprinkle some hope for those of you just entering the teenage years, to encourage you that if we can survive, anyone can...

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Hanging On - through the Teenage Years

A long time ago, in my life before kids, I worked with teenagers. Some of these teenagers were from really tough backgrounds, the kind of backgrounds that gives kids a label of "at risk".
At risk of being counted in all kinds of negative statistics like teen pregnancy, drug and alcohol abuse, crime, lack of education, unemployment and most of all, at risk of living the kind of life and having the kind of families that passed on this risk to the next generation.

All kinds of teenagers came across my path and I did my best to help them at the time, even though most of the time I felt like I was out of my depth, clueless, under-equipped and flying by the seat of my pants.
At the time there were certain kids who stood out, who broke my heart more than most. My love and concern for these kids kept me up at night, quite often; there were prayers and tears and sleepless nights. There were phone calls in the middle of the night ("can you come?"); there were conversations, pep talks and feeds. I didn't know if any of it was doing any good. I didn't know if they would manage to break all those negative cycles and live healthy, happy lives, with healthy, happy families. That was what I wanted and hoped for them but I had no clue if it would happen.

That was more than 20 years ago. We lost touch over the years, but recently a few of those special ones that kept me up at night have crossed my path again, and it has blown me away to see how amazingly well they are doing. They've beaten the statistics.

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How to throw a party for your teenager (the easy way)

When it comes to birthday parties, I am usually known for going over the top with party prep and creativity. For years this blog has offered tips, ideas and how to's on how to create themed birthday parties that your kid will look forward to for months and reminisce about for years.

This is not one of those parties. Those days are gone - at least when it comes to my eldest son, anyway.
These days we are teenagers; we are not little kids any more. We want our birthday parties to be "chill" and "lit". (Oldie speak = "cool" and "legit" - I think???)

Last weekend I managed to pull off a pretty "lit" party quite successfully, without embarrassing my brand-new 14-year-old - and it was really easy. Here's what ya do...

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Flying a Kite is a bit like Parenting

On Saturday we went out to Piha Beach on the wild West Coast, in an attempt to break through the lethargy and blahness that sometimes descends on us all after an exhausting, busy week.
The car was loaded with reluctant, groaning kids, a bag of snacks, a soccer ball and our never-before-used, still-in-its-packet Kite.

We've never had much luck with kites before, but for once the wind was blowing right and the kite's string was barely let out when the wind caught it and whipped it up into the air.

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Parenting at the Pointy End

Last night I lay awake writing this post in my head. This week I've been discombobulated, out of sorts, tearful and nostalgic as the reality of this latest stage of parenting has made itself felt. I feel the need to put it all into words, so I can reconcile myself to our new reality: My kids aren't little any more.

Every stage of parenting (and life) has it's pain and its rewards. It's just very easy to slip into a wee bit of melancholy when you compare your rose-tinted memories of "the simple fun-filled days" of yesteryear with the serious business of parenting a teenager and an adolescent, with one lone seven year old bringing up the rear.

I've been overwhelmed with nostalgia for the days when homework was simply reading a PM book together each night and I could relax a bit knowing that we had years ahead of us to get our parenting crap together, years to figure out "adulting", years for our kids to nail the academic side of life.
We had a reassuring buffer zone of time.
It's OK, I kidded myself. By the time we get to High School we'll have it all figured out. We'll know what we're doing. We'll be sorted.

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A Coming of Age Celebration (Turning 13)

A long time ago - so long ago that I can't even remember when it was - I remember hearing Ian Grant (from Parents Inc) talk about the importance of creating "marker points" for our children as they grow.

He remarked that our culture doesn't do this particularly well, we have no Bar Mitzvahs or coming of age ceremonies to mark the point where a child becomes an adult. This leaves teenagers drifting, acting like overgrown children, when in so many other cultures they are seen as young men and women from the age of 13.

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