30 January 2010

Downhill with a Black Dog Chasing

The black dog has found me again.
I thought he was safely locked away but I left a gate open and he escaped.
I am running, breathless and terrified with him nipping at my heels.
I am screaming but there’s no sound. No one hears, no one sees.
I am trapped inside my head with this ferocious black dog.

Thoughts pile up blocking my way, like cars in a traffic jam, each one shouting for attention…
“Why didn’t you renew your prescription on time?”
“You are a terrible mother person wife!”
“Your family husband children deserve better!”
"Lazy useless hopeless helpless!"

Peace Peace Peace! Quiet Quiet Quiet! Just leave me alone!

Arms and legs weighed down, everything is heavy. Breathing in and out just seems too hard. I am moving through cement, and the black dog is gaining. I long to stop running, retreat under the covers, bury my head, stay there til he's gone. Hide me from those angry thoughts. Hide me from that snapping black dog.

He always sneaks up on me. There is no warning. One moment I can be normal happy fine. Then the black dog comes crashing in, snarling and threatening to overwhelm me.

Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

That’s all I want.

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Unknown said...

I am praying for you right this very moment. Do not let your thoughts get the best of you.


Widge said...

Praying for you too.
thanks for being real.

Lyns said...

I know that black dog and I don't like him either! But I love that you wrote about that. A battle I am going through as well. I will pray for you too. Sending you a big hug x

Weza said...

This is a subject I know very little about. Thankfully your saviour does. Praying for you.

Gail said...

Praying too friend.

PaisleyJade said...

I too have had moments with that black dog... always making me think I'm not being a good enough this or that... supporting you in prayer Simone... and remember to ignore those lies - you are a wonderful mother and wife and you are only human like us all.

Anonymous said...

my heart goes out to you Simone
I've been chased.......visited crazy town a time or two oh lets be honest...I lived there
it takes time....
what would happen if you stopped running?

prayers, love and light

know this:
you are a beautiful, talented, wonderful mother, wife and friend...a little birdie told me and I ALWAYS believe little birdies!!!

Sammy said...

My sweet friend, if you can't believe your worthiness right now then believe those who love you. You are an amazing, wonderful person and I have loved you for a long time (10 whole years!!!) so I truly know.
We will pray for you and Rors xxx

Amy said...

Remember He carries us when we cannot put one stumbling foot in front of the other. We no longer need to outrun the fear and intimidation. He already has. I am praying my friend for you in the grip of this moment. Because I know how real it is. And because I know too the saving embrace of His arms. If you need more, if you need to go out, to cry, to walk on the beach and have someone shout at the dog for you, just text me, okay?

Anonymous said...

yes Amy!!!! Lets all shout at the dog!!!!
No joke here people...I am serious...
Crazy Canuck!!!!

going to bed now Simone...just wanting you to know I carry you in my heart tonight as I go to sleep.
Love from Canada

meg said...

Let's go walking! I'm no expert but I hear that the exercise and fresh air thing helps.

Trees said...

We may never have met Simone but like everyone else here I love you and like many I know the dog and his menace.

When things were at there worst for me and I could not even call out to God a friend told me don't worry we will cry out for you. We will.

Please don't stop telling us how you feel, we are your friends and we can take it, we really can. And we can also see the truth. You are beautiful, you are precious, you are a good mother, you are a faithful wife and you are Loved xxx

count it all joy said...

Precious girl, I know that black dog and he can be a persistent bugger, can't he? Let's hose him down with prayer and show him who's boss. In the meantime, I hope you can get some good rest, good food and some time to quiet your soul as much as possible. You're never alone. Meredy xo.

Melinda said...

I've had a week where I've been hearing those same voices very loudly. I read in my devotions this morning about this very thing.

The author was talking about an experience where a wild dog confronted her on her daily walk. He was snarling and frothing, but he didn't lunge at her. After what seemed like a long time, she finally decided to end the standoff by picking up a stick and screaming and lunging at HIM. He turned tail and ran.

Hope that encourages you like it did me. We have the authority that God gave us to tell the enemy to turn tail and run.

Praying for you today, my sister!

Anonymous said...

God bless you Simone.
I know that black dog too well. He showed up at my place recently too, and I've been trying to find the strength not to feed him. I thought it was just a bad day, but now it's lasted weeks.
Thanks for writing, sister.

Rae Ann said...

Oh, sweetie, I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope the dog catcher comes soon.

Sophie said...

Although I missed your post over the weekend Simoney, this comes with a big hug from me. Rest well my lovely friend.

Krista said...

You really have captured what it feels like. The phrase "nipping at my heels" is perfect. The desperate, frantic tumbling away from the dog captures that feeling of trying to escape though it is all around you. Thank you for sharing this. I hope you have been successful at finding good treatment for your depression. It seems like you never can get better when you're in the midst of it. And my goodness, finding the right meds, therapy, etc can leave a person feeling like rat being experimented on. But thank goodness there is effective treatment. I am so thankful to have had good people helping me stay ahead of the dog.

Anonymous said...

Man feeding the white dog is so much harder than feeding the black, my last few weeks that damn black dog has engrossed me to the extreme.
love the fact we can express ourselves productively and positively, and gain help and knowledge of other peoples struggles and get a forward jolt to help us through. i am a 27 year old who has lost my journey with god, i can see the faults of thinking patterns, but sometimes find it too hard to pull myself from the velcro of depression, i really thank my sister for showing me the way of the blog, and really love the fact its a real mood calmer seeing other people in a similar situation to mine.
will be following your future posts, Levi S. typing from sisters account.

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