30 January 2010
The black dog has found me again.
I thought he was safely locked away but I left a gate open and he escaped.
I am running, breathless and terrified with him nipping at my heels.
I am screaming but there’s no sound. No one hears, no one sees.
I am trapped inside my head with this ferocious black dog.
Thoughts pile up blocking my way, like cars in a traffic jam, each one shouting for attention…
“Why didn’t you renew your prescription on time?”
“You are a terrible mother person wife!”
“Your family husband children deserve better!”
"Lazy useless hopeless helpless!"
Peace Peace Peace! Quiet Quiet Quiet! Just leave me alone!
Arms and legs weighed down, everything is heavy. Breathing in and out just seems too hard. I am moving through cement, and the black dog is gaining. I long to stop running, retreat under the covers, bury my head, stay there til he's gone. Hide me from those angry thoughts. Hide me from that snapping black dog.
He always sneaks up on me. There is no warning. One moment I can be normal happy fine. Then the black dog comes crashing in, snarling and threatening to overwhelm me.
Leave me alone. Leave me alone.
That’s all I want.