20 January 2010

Hurt Feelings

Warning: May contain traces of self-pity

I'm hurting right now. Actually I'm trying not to think about how much I should/could be hurting so here I am blogging as a way to let off steam.

My son has hurt my feelings. He's seven. Do kids usually start doing that so young? I mean, here's me thinking we have a special bond; like I get him and all that. Here's me thinking he thinks his mum is the bees knees. I am innocently standing at the kitchen sink tidying up the dishes and he meanders past the door and BOUFF! hits me with a low blow.

"Mum is just way too FAT!" he says, laughing.
I am stunned.
"It's only cause you don't do any exercise!" he calls over his shoulder, as he walks away like it were nothing.
I stagger into the hallway and meet Mr G coming the other way. He gives me an affectionate squeeze and then sees the look on my face as I push past him and head for my bed.
"What's up??" he enquires. He's learnt.
I tell him what the Little Meanie said and lay down nursing my wound.

Mr G is outraged. He marches the Unmannered Brute into my room and lectures him on all the reasons why he should never speak like that to his mother...
"She carried you! She fed you! She changed your pooey bum! She got up in the night to you and this is how you speak to her???"
He demands a written apology from the culprit who slinks off to his room to write one.

I wallow. Mr G says, don't let it get to you, he's just a seven year old kid.
"But maybe he's right? I didn't realise I looked that bad?!" I moan.
Mr G is in a hurry to get to an evening appointment. He's trying to be understanding, supportive, but he's a bloke, and his best answer is, "Well then take the positive from it; do some walking and you can start at the gym when school goes back..."
Yeah, great.

Then Mr Meanie Pants sidles in clutching a handful of papers. There are several versions of his letter. It's meant to make me feel better...??!!

Here's a sample:
"Dear mum I love you a littl bit"
"Dear Mum I hat your steancking gates hahahaha..." (meant to be "stinking guts", a quote from Little Rascals)

Mr G snatches the papers from the unrepentant miscreant and orders him into his room. Do not come out until morning, is his command. Then Mr G exits Stage Right for work.
I continue to wallow.

A door creaks. It's The Unrepentant One, trying to sneak out. I firmly re-close his door and remind him of his orders. He slips yet another note beneath it: "Sorry for cooling you fat..." it reads, among other things.

Why does this hurt so bad? I know he's just a runty self-centred freckle-faced toe-rag of a boy who has made a series of throw-away comments to wind me up. So why does it feel like I am a failure as a mother all of a sudden?
Because my kid said he "hats" me? Because he called me fat?
Mostly it's because it breaks my heart that my kid could be so mean. I hate meanness. I loathe it in my kids. It shames me, makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide; hang up a sign which reads: "I Am Only Distantly Related to that Meanie!"
Have I let my kid become selfish and casually cruel?

Am I reading too much into this? Am I alone out here on this "Failed Mother Island"?? Has anyone else ever been here? I could really do with some reassurance and kind wise words. I'm feeling pretty low right now. The Tide of Good Mothering seems Way Way Out tonight.

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Laura said...

OK, I am going to stop laughing, because this IS funny, and you will see how funny it is really soon...I promise...


your kid is not mean. Your kid is a KID.
Kids call people fat.
My kid points a fat person out at the market.
My kid rubs my tummy and says it is fat.
And yes, when this happens, I HURT.
I feel awful.
It makes me angry and sad.
I do not believe that there was ever the intent to be hurtful or mean.

We know FAT as a negative.
But we tell our children they are beautiful, right? We comment on their big eyes, their gorgeous hair, how soft their cheeks are, how cute they are.
We comment on the OUTER appearance all of the time.
That is all your son was doing.
Now, does that mean you ARE fat?
Not in the least.
Was it brutal honesty?
Does your son love you?
Does he truly believe you are the most beautiful woman alive?
I would bet my own life on that.

You know your own kid. You know he is not mean spirited. You just don't like what he said. YOU don't want to be called fat....nobody does!!!!!!!!! But like you said, he said it as if it were NOTHING...because to HIM, it was nothing.

And remember this, he may be your son, but a bloke is a bloke.
They are not the brightest, now are they?????

chin up! I have seen your pics, and your beautiful!

and hey, maybe he meant PHAT, as in COOL, or hip?maybe??????

PaisleyJade said...

Yep - I've been there Simone... but I know you are such a stunner and not fat like he says!

Kids don't know nothing... one of mine thinks I have a baby growing in my boob (and they're not that big at all)... so what do kids know.

You are not a failure as a mother - just the mother of a kid who you are training to think carefully about what he says and about feelings - and what a great opportunity to reinforce again what I am sure you've already taught him before.

You are lovely and the fact that you are hurting shows you are such a true and tender mum... and I am sure you will snigger about this oneday soon.


Weza said...

A very good call from Laura... here here.
He more than likely will never call you fat again. You are teaching him a good lesson. Kids do say hurtful things, thats how they learn whats right and whats not. He pushed the boundaries tonight, and found them unmoved. He is learning. As for the effect on you... well only you know why you feel so bad.
I think you look great, you are not fat! We are women who have had children, with that comes 'extra kilos' but you are by no means fat.
Chin up my friend.

Gail said...

Oh Simone. You KNOW it's NOT true... and that he did NOT mean for his comment to hurt you at all. He has NO idea at this age about how flippant comments can be so hurtful... this is a learning curve for him, and something for you to not take personally, but to let wash over you.

I've been there too - Miss O has had a good grab of my tummy flab and given it a good squeeze and say that I need to stop eating so much. When she said that, I remember being shocked but then realizing that she'd seen me do that very thing to myself. I'd let her see me be unhappy with myself - and she thought it was ok to do that.

I've had to teach her about appropriate and inappropriate comments and how even though you may not be intending to hurt someone, you can do so easily. I felt really put off the first time she criticised my cooking! It's speaking without thinking!

You are beautiful my friend and looking summer fabulous.

Gail said...

And p.s. kids DO say mean things ALL the time. It's horrid. Sometimes they are the sayers, sometimes they are the receivers. It is awful to watch as a parent.... but our job is to step in huh? and correct and teach.

Lyns said...

Oh, it's all been said. Kids are kids and say silly things and because they are our world it really hurts. I had a bad Mum moment today and felt super bad - my husband laughed when I told him about it and so did I - eventually. xx

Widge said...

My kids have said I'm fat even when I WAS skinny as. But I know what you mean about feeling tender especially when we arent feeling that great about ourselves anyway. I've piled on the pounds just lately and today one of my sons told me I "looked weird" when I had really squeezed to do up my pants and bits were just ugly bugling..gooseman heard him and reprimanded him, took a look at me a bit taken back by his comment and told him "I look fine"...muh! I don't know which comment was worse!!

You do look great from what I've seen of you on here and if you're up to start FEELING great I'm ready to join you for the challenge!!

Simoney said...

Ohhhh, you guys are toooo kind :) I'm glad to know I'm not alone... I think the worst bit was actually his really pooey letter attempts which were the meanest part. But I think he is repentant now. He sneaked here into my room while I was typing and fell asleep on my bed. Later he woke up snivelling and came into the lounge for a cuddle. I think he needed to feel like I'm not mad at him still *sigh* I put my wounded pride aside and cuddle him back... and be the grown-up :)

meg said...

I've been awake since 3am with a wheezy asthma boy so am not really feeling totally with it! Anyway just wanted to let you know that kids say stupid stuff all the time and I'm sure it's just one of those establishing the boundaries things. It doesn't mean anything. Really truly. I should go back to bed and see if I can get another couple of hours sleep! P.S. if you wanna go walking sometime I'm in!

Anonymous said...

oh Simone...this is a sad but funny story...they have no idea of consequence to words yet...we just have to respond correctly. It is really up to us, not them.
You are beautiful...believe it...even if a little twirp tells you different!!! lol

Sammy said...

Oh my precious sensitive soul-ed friend. I love your sensitivity! You are so lovely and I wish you could see yourself through the eyes of others. He's just being boy, I think the only thing that stops Reuben from telling me similar things is that he can't express himself yet. Although sometimes if looks could kill I would be stone dead! Boys are boys and men are men, how many times have our HUSBANDS done similar things? The world would be a lot more tactful filled with only women, but how boring would that be!?!

Sophie said...

Awww Lovely Simoney, you are so NOT fat!

Just around Christmas time, all within a week or two Amelie told me I was mean, lazy and that I never knew what I was talking about. And before that she's told me my undies were too tight!!

Do you remember when she told Bethan she smelled when we were at your house? I was drop dead mortified and ashamed and it was like the end of the world had come.

I'm totally with you on hating the meanness. I'm now saying to the girls when they say something mean, how do you think that would make you feel if someone said that to you? They often stop and think and admit that it wouldn't be very nice and we talk about what we could say instead. It doesn't always work like that but the more I do it, the more the message gets drummed into them...

Hope that you're feeling a bit better my lovely,

Unknown said...

Oh Simone! I just read this post. I did not laugh, it actually made me tear up b/c I just imagined how horrible that made you feel. It's funny b/c I first saw that first pic and thought "oh look at those great freckles!" Then I read on and thought "What a STINKER!!" I'm going to say don't worry about it... he's just a kid, but I know I'd feel crummy too. I hope you got a real apology from him and are having a better week.

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