19 August 2008

Grateful for Broken Sleep

Last week I was privileged to attend a fundraiser, REVAMP, for a couple in our church, who's precious baby Jethro was stillborn not long ago.

It was a fantastic event, lots of fun, but in the middle of it I found myself crying, as I read Jethro's story in the pamphlet his beautiful mum, Misty, had written about him.

She wrote:
"For 9 months I have shared an intimate journey with my son Jethro. From the very beginning, he was determined to stay around. He seemed to have a story to tell... we went for our 20 week scan where we were told that Jethro was probably missing his lower jaw and had a kink in his spine. He also had a very tiny stomach... and could possibly have trouble breathing when he was born.

We could have ended his journey then... When I considered it out loud, my little boy (only 20 weeks old) gave me the biggest kick in the gut - and I knew HE had an opinion too. He wanted to
stay around and we knew we had to continue...

Every scan we had after that initial one, we tried to see his chin and mouth. But every time without fail, Jethro tried to cover it up. He had either one or both hands covering it up. He was even born with a hand in his mouth as if he had a secret. We loved this about his personality. Almost as if to say, "Don't judge me by this one thing. I am so much more than that. Can you see ME? Jethro knew he was loved and wanted.

I was so SAD to say goodbye to my baby boy, who I had such dreams for. I so wanted to believe the scans were wrong... This journey has been long and difficult in a whole lot of ways, but I have learned so much from being Jethro's mum. I have learned to love more intimately than ever before, and I know too that I am very much loved... I have asked "WHY?" Why is this happening to us? Why would God allow it to happen? I don't know why, maybe I never will. But my trust in God has never wavered...
Even though it's been incredibly hard and sad, I feel so blessed that I carried him for over 39 weeks and we had him for as long as we did. I know he is in heaven. And I know I will see him again.
Jethro has a story to tell, and now you are a part of that story. Our hope is that you'll keep his story in your heart, and share it with those who need to hear it."


Last night my own baby boy was unsettled and wakeful - I had to feed him every two hours. But somehow I didn't feel like complaining, like I usually would. Instead I felt so grateful; grateful for the chance to feed him and hold him, and wake for him in the middle of the night.

I kept thinking, "Jethro's mum would give anything to be waking up to him in the middle of the night."
Today I am cuddling my baby just a bit tighter, a bit more often. (I am writing this while he is asleep).
It's too easy sometimes in the midst of the busy days to forget how precious our children are, and how fragile life can be. Jethro's story has jolted me out of complacency.

I am grateful for my broken sleep.

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Simoney said...

Oops I re-posted this and accidentally deleted the comments. I am still learning how to do this "blogging" thing.

Rebecca said...

Hi Simone..I have just read thru your blog..it is so amazing!!you have such talent as a writer.. and your creativity-wow.. such a beautiful heart for your family and others too! Your journey will def help and inspire others..keep writing!

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