02 June 2015
It's been a long long time since I've felt this way. Today, for whatever reason, I have hit the wall and I don't really know why. For months and months - maybe more than a year - the Black Dog has been safely tied up. He hasn't been barking or snapping at my heels or raising his ugly black head.
But today, all of a sudden, there he is. Ugh. I hate that mutt.
What is this feeling of overwhelm? Where has this desire to climb back into my bed and pull the covers up over my head come from?
It's been building all weekend. I've been snappy, snarly and a right grumpy git, to be honest.
But I've been holding it together. Until just now when I went to plug in my camera to upload some photos from the weekend and SH*T, some bugger has taken my camera cord and stuck it who-knows-where.
In that instant all of the little things that have been building up like a weight of snow on my emotional roof suddenly become too much. In the blink of an eye, here comes the whole lot of it crashing through and landing on me like a cold wet blanket.
Suddenly everything is too much.
The endless house-cleaning and tidying, trying to make a home that is pleasant and clean and comfortable, colourful and enjoyable to be in - endlessly picking up other people's socks and undies from the floor, stepping on Lego, sweeping up crumbs, washing endless dishes and cycling through mountains of laundry without feeling like anyone even notices... too much.
The endless squabbling and bickering and wrestling and stomping, the complaining and whingeing, the accusations, the juggling endless activities, personalities, issues and struggles... the relentless pressure to be a good parent and the endless guilt that you are somehow never quite enough... too much.
The anxiety as I consider applying for a new job. Will I be enough? Will it be too much?
The just sheer overwhelm of life in this society where the lines are forever being blurred and the rules are forever being re-written. Where the big bully companies get the ear of governments, where justice is twisted and dodgey buggers get re-elected (John Key, Len Brown, Sepp Blatta) and a political conscience is silenced (yes I'm talking about MediaWorks and the end of Campbell Live - who will speak up for the little guy now? Who will have our back and call us to action?). The endless articles in my feed on BookFace telling me all the ways I'm failing as a parent, and all the ways our world is in crisis of one sort or another. This is the world where I am raising my children. Some days it feels like our society is going to Hell in a handbasket and it's sometimes just too much.
So bugger it. I'm having a rant here on my blog and then I'm going back to bed.
I'm going to make a safe cocoon, hide from the Black Dog and be kind to myself.
Drink nespresso, read a book, eat toast.
I know what I need - just a quiet day, retreating from the world, gathering my strength, being kind to myself. Then I'm sure I'll be good to go again. I hope?
Today I'm going to hide from the world, at least until 3 o'clock when reality will walk through the door and I will put on my big girls pants again and hope that the Black Mutt has wandered off looking for some other poor soul to hound.
See you on the other side.