19 February 2009

Mortal Thoughts

It's been quite annoying and perplexing lately, I just seem to be having one health issue after another. First it was my back, which left me unable to walk, bend or lift for long enough to be extremely inconvenient - especially with a baby.

Then I have been getting these funny dizzy turns where I nearly black out or faint. A few days ago this turned into constant dizziness, nausea and numbness in my hands, feet and lips.

Kind of worrying. Mr G drove me to the doctor and the whole way there I felt like I was on a roller-coaster. Did I also mention that sounds have become heightened for me? The music at church overwhelms me and if there's background noise I can't make out what people are saying.

The doctor thinks it's an inner ear problem and has ordered a week of rest and peace (hahaha), and then see how we are in 10 days. She doesn't think it's anything more sinister than that, but until I spoke to her I was freaking out quite a bit.

I mean, I'm young and usually in pretty good health. But can I afford to take that for granted?

A friend of mine had her best girlfriend pass away from cancer two weeks ago. She was a young mum. Another friend of mine's sons have good friends whose mother passed away suddenly after giving birth, leaving the dad alone with the kids and a newborn.

Then there was our own grandad who passed away suddenly at the age of 59, having been diagnosed with cancer only 5 days previous...

OK, Simone, slow down! Stop it, just don't go there...!
But I can't help it.

I keep thinking, what if I did have something bad? My kids are so young, would they forget me? I'm in hardly any photos because I'm always the one taking them. Most of the video footage is also taken by me... they wouldn't have much to help them remember me.

Could I turn my blog into a printed version, so they would always have what I wrote about them? They would have their first five years books and the DVD's I've made; the journals I have written...

Ahhh... do I even want to publish this post? I'm sure it's all fine, it's just my paranoia. But we never know how long we have do we? We just can't see what's around the corner.

I said to my hubby a few days ago, I want you to take more photos and video of me and the kids. I want them to see me doing things with them, not just observing and recording them.

In the end, the fact is that our days with our kids are limited. They grow so fast, and that's no cliche. Surely I just blinked and my newborn has turned into a 6 year old, a 4 year old, a 10-month-old. All those cute and funny things they do and say that at the time we are so certain we will always remember... don't they just grow fuzzy and blurred?

Fact is we are mortal. Our lives pass in the blink of an eye. Our kids sprout up and will be gone too soon out into the big wide world.

I want to grab them, hold them, kiss them and squeeze them, imprinting their feel and smell on my senses. I want to capture their every expression, their funny sayings, their milestones and misshaps to keep and treasure always. Most of all so that they will remember me, and know how much they were loved and rejoiced over, adored and valued. Just in case.

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Rebecca said...

I had the what if I'm dying thing before too...makes you think though!

Sammy said...

Take a deep breath my friend. You are one of the most inspirational Mommy's I know. There is no way your kiddies would ever forgat you. You make your house into a home and are the most creative, loving and fun Mommy out. Yay Simoney!

Gail said...

So been there ... and came to the realization that for me, the devil was trying to steal my JOY! Very superspiritual .... but I don't like it when i feel that fear slip in .... I think too, it comes with mummy territory - the "what if's". Hope you are feeling better!

Sophie said...

Thinking of you Simoney.
Love from across Big Blue

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