I have been wallowing in a bit of a dusty dry desert, spiritually, for quite a while. As I have mentioned before, I was having
panic attacks nearly every Sunday, reacting to the volume of our church's (very hip'n'rockin') music. I was spending Sunday mornings in Starbucks with a Christian book.
Hey, that's not so bad, I hear you say. Peace and quiet and
coffee?
True, it was nice, but it was simply not the same as being able to go in to a service and be part of what was happening there.
I battled with feeling isolated, sorry for myself, resentful and critical. Finally I went to see one of our Pastors, Jill (my awesome counsellor), and sobbed out all my troubles and issues to her.
Being both wise and practical, Jill identified some stuff from way back (I'm talking
10 years) which I had unresolved and she set up a meeting with myself and two of our other pastors; she and Mr G came to support me. I was terrified, worried they would think I was a dufus, a doorknob, but nothing could be further from the truth. They heard me out, acknowledged my old hurts, affirmed me, encouraged me and I felt like a huge weight had rolled off me.
I looked forward to going to church and testing out my new attitude... (and sitting next to my buddy
Gail!) Would I find that I could now cope in the service? I bought some earplugs just in case, I was determined to
be there and be part of things from now on.
We were away for the next five Sundays in the UK, so I had to wait til we returned to find out. Imagine how stoked I was when I was able to sit in the service and sing with everyone else!
The following Sunday I had a sick baby... no church for me.
During the week I began to notice that even though I felt the past had been dealt with, I still felt disconnected, cut off and like an outsider.
Now, just so you understand, I have been in
this church for
nearly 20 years. I arrived as a 20-year-old newly-recommitted baby Christian. I have "grown up" in this church, I was on staff, I helped start things here, I have friendships that span decades which have held firm through the ups and downs of life... I met my husband here, got married here, brought my babies to be dedicated to God in this dear familiar place.
If
anyone should feel like
this church is where I belong - it's me.
But I had allowed critical thoughts to creep in and take over. My language had changed; it was "the church" not "our/my church". I was looking at things as an outsider and all I could find was things to get grumpy about: "It's not the same anymore!" "Everyone's so busy!" "It feels too business-like, not like a family" "It's more for the youth, where do I fit in?"
I looked at different church people's FaceBook updates saying things like: "Wow Church was Off the Hook!" and "Man God is really doing stuff here!" and I just didn't feel it. They're a bit OTT, I thought.
Then last Sunday Helen preached. Oh man. This lady is the most beautiful soul. She was a like a second mum to me all through my twenties. I soooo wanted to be like her. She is gutsy but gentle. Wise and discerning but not freaky or fruity.
And her message was like a gentle kick up my lazy critical butt.
It was not harsh, it was not judgemental. But it just cut through all my complaints and negativity. I can't really remember her actual words, I just know that at the end of the message my heart/brain had flipped a switch.
So I'm feeling like church aint as much like a family anymore? Well do something about it, Simone.
So I'm thinking maybe the grass is greener in some other church (after all this time?) Well, Simone. No church is perfect. I've got to decide that I am here and become part of the answer, not a fence-sitting critic. No Plan B. No escape hatch. This is my church family and dang it, I'm going to act like it.
Stop being distant. Stop imagining barriers. Invite some people over! Be hospitable!
All this was churning through me during and after the message. Mr G was feeling it too.
In a flash I remembered the conviction I'd had when the kids were toddlers: How important it was to invest into our friendships with our church family, so the kids would grow up feeling part of this awesome community, secure in friendships with people who shared our same values and convictions. So when they hit those teenage years, if they have problems at school or wherever, they will always have this base to fall back on; this sense of belonging and family.
And our
church youth programme is
phenomenal. These teenagers are not playing games. They are inspirational. They write amazing songs, they use their creativity, they go out on team missions, they are leaders in their schools: I want my kids to be part of that!
Long story short(er) we invited three families home for lunch after church that very day. They all brought food, we hung out, played sports, chilled. It was great! Easy peasy! They stayed all afternoon and some old connections were re-established and new friendships forged.
Mr G had the idea to do something on Saturday night (Halloween); so I FaceBooked a general invite: Who wants to come over for a BBQ and Fireworks?? Five families came over. We had the best fun.
Well, there you have it. I really believe/feel I have turned a major corner on this whole issue.
Any natural family can grow distant if you don't invest time, make an effort, work through the bumps. Why would I think church family would be any different?
So from now on there will be more BBQ's and Sunday lunches, many more. There'll be a Christmas party; I've even opened up my birthday list to include lots more people (I know, me and crowds... but hey! I'm turning 40! It's a big deal, yeah?)
Me and Mr G are going to play our part to forge and strengthen the "family" connections at our church. We don't need a job or "ministry" title to do that... we just have to be hospitable.
Should be lots and lotsa fun!
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