09 June 2011

Simone Jones Diary - The Movie of My Life

{For Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writers Workshop; Writing prompt #2: Write a dramatic synopsis of a memorable day in your life, as if it was a movie or TV series}

What happens when Bridget Jones' Kiwi cousin, forty thirty-something Simone, marries a Brit, has three kids, and tries to navigate motherhood in a Honda Odyssey around suburban Auckland...?

  • Simone Jones (Bridget's long lost cousin): played by Janeanne Garofolo (with the help of a stepladder)
  • Mr G (the Brit husband): played by Gerard Butler (mmmmm)
  • Dash: Played by Billy Elliot (they have the same freckles)
  • Miss Fab: Played by herself (this movie sees Miss Fab's Hollywood debut)
  • Scrag: Played by Cruz Beckham (his double)
  • The Store Clerk: played by Orlando Bloom (cos he was in the neighbourhood shooting The Hobbit)

Scene #21:
Mannequin Dancing
Filmed on Location: Cotton-On Outlet Store, St Lukes Mall
{Music: Beautiful Day by U2}
[Camera pans across parking lot as dented silver Odyssey pulls into carpark right outside store.
Close up shot of Simone as she slaps on some lippy and flicks her sunnies onto the dashboard.
SIMONE: {Voiceover} Dear Diary...

Its been six days since my last confession. Pounds Lost: Nil... Pounds Gained: Three.
Today I had the shopping trip from hell and met one total plonker of a shop assistant. All I have to show for my day is bloddy bruised shins... I knew I should have stayed in bed...

Music fades to background as Simone exits Odyssey and opens car door.
Camera: Zooms to all the crap that falls out onto the pavement... soda cups, chip packets, old shoes, McDonald toys...]
SIMONE: Oh crap. I only cleaned this up last week.
[scoops the worst of it back into the car; unstraps Scrag from his crumb-ridden booster seat and slams the door quickly before more crap falls out.]
SCRAG: Mummy we go to the shopping?
SIMONE: Yes, we get a new shirt for daddy to dress up like Woody for your party. Daddy has very big muscles; we have to find a big one!
SCRAG: Oh. OK Mummy... Daddy strong?
SIMONE: Yes... daddy strong... and very very good-looking...
[Camera follows them into the store. Simone starts rifling through racks of check shirts while Scrag heads to the lingerie section. He spots a mannequin dressed in a lacy pink bra and undies.
Camera swings back to Simone and zooms in on her face as she realises Scrag is not with her. She starts turning her head this way and that...
Camera scans store as if through her eyes, jumping here, there... slides past underwear-clad mannequin then stops and returns, zooms in on Scrag who is giggling mischievously as he slides his hands up the mannequins legs and pulls down her pink lace undies]
SIMONE: Scrag! Stop it Scrag! Hey! Stop that!
[Simone runs towards Scrag but everything turns to slow motion... Scrag is now hugging the mannequin; the mannequin starts to topple... Simone tries to grab it but it splits in half at the waist and she starts to fall... Music swells...
SIMONE: NOOOooooooooo....!
[the round metal base comes up and whacks Simone full force on the shins as she collapses on top of it. Camera: Zoom in on her butt sticking up in the air]
SIMONE: Oooowwwwww! Scrag!!! What did you do that for? Naughty!!
SCRAG: I sorreeee Mummeeeeee...
[Camera follows Simone as she gets up and hobbles down the aisle, limping painfully on her deeply bruised shins. The Store Assistant rushes towards her...  music fades...]
SIMONE: She? me? Um oh, the mannequin...?!?
STORE ASSISTANT (impatiently: Is she BROKEN?
SIMONE: Yes, um, no, um... she fell over... I don't know...
[Store Assistant pushes past Simone who is left gazing quizzically at his retreating back, camera follows her gaze as Store assistant lovingly restores the Underwear Mannequin to her rightful self, talking softly to her under his breath...]
[Camera turns back to Simone; zooms in on her bruised and bleeding shins; then pans to a mid shot of Simone and Scrag (who is completely oblivious and dancing on the spot).
Simone shrugs, sighs and starts limping away... Music swells as Simone exits the store empty-handed, gets painfully into her Odyssey and drives away... FADE TO BLACK]
Disclaimer: Characters depicted in this tale bear great resemblance to persons living, not dead. However they may or may not bear any resemblance to the actors that played them. And yes, sorry Gerard Butler was not in this scene but we just wanted to include him anyway.
Simone may have completely embarrassed herself in a popular store by dancing with a mannequin and falling on her face. It did in fact take six weeks for the bruising to go down. This story was not exaggerated even slightly for dramatic effect. No legal action was taken. Though we have not been back {in case they recognised us}. Scrag's fascination with pink lace undies remains a mystery...

P.S. I hope you enjoyed the movie adaptation of a day in my life. Now, who would play YOU in the movie version of your life? And who would play your husband??!!!

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Rebecca said...

That's brilliant Simone!!! Lol lol I could just picture it! & that actress looks so much like a cross between you and Renee Z

Catching the Magic said...

And the Golden Globe goes to....

This is BRILLIANT!!!!! I am in total AWE!

Wish I could have had 5 mins to myself child free to have a go at this. So much fun. You are so clever! Thanks for a brilliant read :)

Alison said...

Oh my, I LOVE your take on this prompt Simone!!! Who would play me? Um...Lucy Liu. Husband? Um. No one's better looking than my husband :)

Meghan Maloney Photography said...

This is pure GOLD! hilarious and so cleverly written. Well since I'm obsessed with jennifer garner it'd have to be her and well Ben affleck could then play hubby just to keep it in the family!!!

Leonie said...

hehe ..so well written and even more funny after hearing the story already and KNOWING it is true...
very clever Simoney!!!!

Dee said...

Brilliant! Can picture it all...!! You are one clever lady. Dee: Amy Adams. Hubby: Hugh Jackman. Rrrreeeowww!

Weza said...

Ok so I have always said that Janeanne Garofolo is my doppleganger. So cracks me up that you chose her. Although I was asked if you were my sister when you came to our church. So my movie would have
Weza played by: Janeanne Garofolo
Hubby played by: Vin Diezel
all children would depict themselves.
This is one funny story! Like seriously hubby was trying to talk to me and I didnt want to stop reading so I could listen. xxx

Broot said...

Man Janeanne's gonna be busy - she was always mine, too. But when she was heavier. ;)

Husband would have to be Colin Firth if I had my way. Although if we had to be more exact, then we'd have to go find that guy who played Cameron on Ferris Bueller's day off because he IS my hubby's doppleganger!!

Anonymous said...

I have never seen better than this site.

Anonymous said...

you are AWESOME!

love and light

Gail said...

Hahaha. Brilliant - and heck yeah, Billy Elliot = Dash!!!! MJ says I'm not allowed to answer.

Unknown said...

Abso-frickin'-lutely HILARIOUS! Haha :)

Sima J said...

Hilarious and very well written. Bummer that it's more fact than fiction!! DOH!

Anonymous said...

Gosh you're talented!!! That was HILARIOUS & I have to say I totally agree re Gerard Butler! Hmmmm mmmmm.

Brilliant post, made me giggle & definitely put a sparkly in my day. I can just imagine how mortified you were, but man, what a crack up....Scrag is a super funny ratbag!

P.s re your blog about comments, I have just worked out how to get Blogger to accept my open ID - I have to click on preview first then press publish. If I skip preview it says it's not valid so yaye, saves me a few seconds of typing!

Anonymous said...

Love it! And definitely love your choice of husband!

I would have to cast myself as Renee Zellweger (I AM Bridget Jones). Matthew McConaughey would do nicely for my husband ;)

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