15 May 2011

Off the Wire; in a Ditch


Today I crashed.
Skidded off the edge of OK-ness and came to a halt in a ditch somewhere near BluesTown.

Silly me.
I forgot to take my happy pills. Forgot.
For two days.

When I found myself wanting to stick my fingers in my ears, curl up in a ball and cry for a week I asked myself, why?
Why am I here again?
Wasn't I OK this morning?

This weekend was end-to-end social engagements and things to do, places to go, people to see.
An extrovert party animal would have been in their element.
But an introvert like me? It takes it toll.
Sucks out my energy.
Making small talk with strangers, lovely as they might be, very draining for one such as I.
Coming at the end of a long day of other people-intensive activities... I just wanted to spend the night on the couch. But couldn't. The babysitter was booked; the invitation RSVP'd to.
So I stood in a crowded bar in my ouchy boots making new friends til midnight.
And then came home and forgot to take my medicine for the second night in a row.


Whereupon I find myself in this crashed condition.
Fallen off the high wire. Stranded in the emotional ditch.
Annoyed by every little thing. Tortured by every sound.
Be glad you are not me.
Or my husband. or my kids.
Not today anyway.
Give it a couple of days for the re-uptake inhibitors to kick back in.

But do you know what I cry about?
Its been ten years.
Ten years.
On and off. Coping then crashing.
I am so tired of it.
So so so tired of it.
In some ways I've made progress. Seen victories in certain areas.
But still, this weakness. This tendency to fall apart under pressure.
If you know anyone who is battling depression, please please be kind to them.
Understand that we can't snap out of it.
Can't positive-think our way to happiness.
If only we could. Really.
Who would want to live like this?
Who would wish this on their loved ones?

My husband asked me as I lay curled up on my bed with tears streaming, what do you need? What do you need from me?
Kindness. I told him. Gentleness. I need to feel safe. And loved.
That's it.
The storm will pass. I'll get out of the ditch and dust myself off.
In the meantime it helps to know I am still loved anyway.
x


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22 comments:

Meghan at MNM's said...

Big hugs xx

Leonie said...

big hugs from me too Simone. You are such a special friend. I have appreciated your support like you wouldn't believe this week. You have shown me gentleness, kindness, love. I thank God for giving me a friend like you.
xx

Elizabeth said...

((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Kathleen said...

Huge hugs, lovely...You are amazing xx

Meg said...

I have that same bird photo in my phone. Sorry that you're having a crap time, be gentle with yourself, take the pills and I hope they kick in quickly! Hugs x

Lyns said...

Hugs and understanding. Thought you looked fab this morning btw...
Hate it when happy pills are overlooked. Only when you're falling into that sad place that you remember about them. Take it easy tomorrow. A day for treating yourself and Scrag (popcorn, movie/book, couch, blanket, cuddles).
xx

PaisleyJade said...

All my love - from a fellow introvert I can totally get the draining aspect of too much 'stuff' to go to/do. So precious having such a supportive guy. xoxo

Mon said...

Oh hon. I hope you get some good head space this week to relax and revitalise yourself. You are so loved. xxx

Gail said...

Praying from here my friend.xx

Unsolicitedious Rebugger said...

My heart goes out to you Simone. And thank you for writing these kinds of blogs, for putting yourself out there. I have never had those kinds of down days (my depression means apathy & snapping/anger) but I know people who do and I know that people like them will appreciate the fact that you put into words - oh so beautifully- what they go through. Thank you for sharing & make sure you get time for you to replenish xx

Leslie said...

You are so strong and honest and an inspiration to us all. I hope that you feel better soon. : )

Carey Morris said...

Thank you for posting these kind of posts, you help me put words to my journey. I can get away with one missed day but not two but thankfully my lips go numb when I've missed a pill.Weird eh but helpful!
Take the time you need, sometimes you just need to grieve this black dog.

jacksta said...

(((hugs))))

Sammy said...

Oh Simoney, precious girl. Big hugs and a giant kiss for you xxx
P.S. Loved having you at Blossom's party on Sat, thanks for coming and braving the throng. It was total chaos!

Renee said...

Big hugs and loves full of kind and gentle wishes that you're back on track soon. You're braver than me - I usually just bail on all my commitments and sit at home when I'm feeling that way :-( That big black hole is a nasty place, take care of yourself xxx

NicNacNoodle said...

My heart goes out to you Simoney. It is a very hard road to walk. Thank you for sharing something so personal, yet so familiar. Take care of yourself and we'll be waiting for you back here when those pills kick in. Nici.

Wander said...

Wow, those are such wise words. It's so hard to explain. But you made it quite easy to understand.
Thanks.
Hoping you're feeling sassy soon!

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh. I am so sorry for your pain. I could read it in every sentence. I do hope you found gentleness and kindness today wherever you turned. God bless.

banban said...

xxxx

Cat said...

loved
absolutely
LOVED

♥♥♥

love and light sister
I see you......

Anonymous said...

Simone,

Take it easy and take care of yourself. Sending you and your family big does of strenght and comfort. I too am a fellow sufferer, thanks for writing your blog.

God bless

Penny said...

Sorry to hear you've been feeling low...and sorry I wasn't more perceptive on Sat!!
Glad you're feeling better, and yes those chairs look great!

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