15 May 2011
Today I crashed.
Skidded off the edge of OK-ness and came to a halt in a ditch somewhere near BluesTown.
I forgot to take my happy pills. Forgot.
For two days.
When I found myself wanting to stick my fingers in my ears, curl up in a ball and cry for a week I asked myself, why?
Why am I here again?
Wasn't I OK this morning?
This weekend was end-to-end social engagements and things to do, places to go, people to see.
An extrovert party animal would have been in their element.
But an introvert like me? It takes it toll.
Sucks out my energy.
Making small talk with strangers, lovely as they might be, very draining for one such as I.
Coming at the end of a long day of other people-intensive activities... I just wanted to spend the night on the couch. But couldn't. The babysitter was booked; the invitation RSVP'd to.
So I stood in a crowded bar in my ouchy boots making new friends til midnight.
And then came home and forgot to take my medicine for the second night in a row.
Whereupon I find myself in this crashed condition.
Fallen off the high wire. Stranded in the emotional ditch.
Annoyed by every little thing. Tortured by every sound.
Be glad you are not me.
Or my husband. or my kids.
Not today anyway.
Give it a couple of days for the re-uptake inhibitors to kick back in.
But do you know what I cry about?
Its been ten years.
On and off. Coping then crashing.
I am so tired of it.
So so so tired of it.
In some ways I've made progress. Seen victories in certain areas.
But still, this weakness. This tendency to fall apart under pressure.
If you know anyone who is battling depression, please please be kind to them.
Understand that we can't snap out of it.
Can't positive-think our way to happiness.
If only we could. Really.
Who would want to live like this?
Who would wish this on their loved ones?
My husband asked me as I lay curled up on my bed with tears streaming, what do you need? What do you need from me?
Kindness. I told him. Gentleness. I need to feel safe. And loved.
The storm will pass. I'll get out of the ditch and dust myself off.
In the meantime it helps to know I am still loved anyway.